How to Build a Healthy Relationship
Imagine each of us as architects of our own lives, constructing a house brick by brick from infancy to adulthood. Some bricks are solid and strong, representing the foundational experiences that have fortified us. Others are just okay, representing moments of learning and growth. And in some places, there are holes—gaps left by challenges, traumas, or unmet needs.
When we enter into a relationship, we often bring our unique houses with us. We might expect our partner's house to mirror ours, complete with similar strengths and weaknesses. However, the real secret to a fulfilling and happy relationship lies in the art of building a new house together.
Understanding Your Partner's House
First and foremost, it's crucial to understand and respect your partner's house. Their experiences, both good and bad, have shaped who they are. Just as your house is a testament to your journey, their house reflects theirs. Instead of wishing for their house to look like yours, take the time to explore and appreciate the differences.
Strong Bricks: Celebrate the strengths your partner brings. These are the qualities that drew you to them in the first place.
Okay Bricks: Acknowledge the areas where they are still growing. These are opportunities for mutual support and encouragement.
Holes: Recognize and empathize with their vulnerabilities. These gaps need care, understanding, and sometimes, a bit of joint repair work.
Building a New House Together
Fostering and nurturing a relationship means building a unique house - not just remodeling your current one, but taking the best bricks from both of your homes and building a new one with them.
Foundation: Shared Values and Goals
Every house needs a solid foundation. In relationships, this foundation is built on shared values and goals. Discuss what matters most to you both—your aspirations, dreams, and the principles that guide your lives. Establishing a common ground will provide stability and direction as you build your new house.
Strong Bricks: Leveraging Each Other's Strengths
Bring your strong bricks to the table and recognize your partner's. These strengths will form the walls of your new house, providing resilience and support. By leveraging each other's strengths, you create a structure that can withstand the tests of time.
Okay Bricks: Continuous Growth and Learning
Acknowledge that not all bricks are perfect, and that's okay. Okay bricks are opportunities for growth, welcoming, and acceptance of each other and yourselves. Rather than trying to change each other’s little quirks and challenges, first try to accept who they are and what they need to become stronger. Encourage each other to learn and improve, reinforcing the walls of your house with each step forward.
Filling the Holes: Compassion and Healing
Address the holes with compassion and a willingness to heal together. This might involve seeking therapy, practicing open communication, or simply being there for each other during tough times. Filling these gaps strengthens your bond and creates a safer, more loving environment.
The Art of Co-Construction
Building a house together requires collaboration, patience, and creativity. Here are a few tips to keep in mind:
Communication: Keep the lines of communication open and kind. Discuss your needs, expectations, and concerns honestly and respectfully. Check out our posts about the Gottman Method to learn some strategies.
Flexibility: Be open to change. As you grow together, your new house will evolve. Embrace the changes and adapt as needed.
Teamwork: Approach challenges as a team. Whether it's a minor renovation or a major overhaul, tackle it together.
Celebrate Milestones: Acknowledge and celebrate your progress. Every brick laid, every hole filled, is a step towards a stronger, happier relationship.
If you’re struggling to co-construct, consider hiring a therapist, relationship coach, or reading a book together on relationships. As a relationship therapist & coach, I often recommend one of the books by John & Julie Gottman. They also have online courses to help you navigate this little thing called love.
So, in sum… here’s the bottom line.
In the end, the key to a happy relationship is not about making your partner's house look like yours. It's about the awesome journey of building a new house…together. A house that might not look gleaming and perfect, but is built from your combined strengths, challenges, growth, and unwavering support for one another. So, let’s get building! The house you create together will be uniquely yours—strong, welcoming, and filled with acceptance of each other’s weird and quirky (but lovable) imperfections.