6 Reasons TV Romance Sets a Bad Example

A note to the reader: if you’re a millenial or Gen-Xer who has loved rom-coms and rom-drams since Disney until 2025 Shonda Rhimes, but are struggling in relationships, this article is made for you. Enjoy, friends!

We all know what it’s like to turn on a binge-worthy TV show or film series and feel connected to strange, unhealthy representations of romance and sexuality. The couple who fight hard followed by great makeup sex. The woman who consistently chases after unavailable men. The guy who sticks around while his boyfriend shamelessly cheats. So here’s the catch: there’s a way to spot the unhealthy patterns in these relationships - pretty immediately. Watch me here create a system for spotting all the messy love that we have been taught we should emanate, one rightward swipe at a time.

Do they respect each other’s (and their own) boundaries?

Whether it’s Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele in 50 Shades, or Noah and Alley in The Notebook, there are some wild manifestations of true love looking like crossing peoples’ boundaries and crossing your own boundaries to get the guy (or person). There are few scenes in 50 Shades of Grey in which a boundary is not intentionally crossed by one of the sexy protagonists. And to many, that’s what makes them sexy. But in real life, that is far from the case. How would it feel to you if every time you set a boundary about sex or what to eat for dinner, your partner ignored it? Or if you disrespected your own boundaries? An example of this is Anastasia ending the relationship after the first film, and getting back together quite quickly in the second film, despite Christian’s toxic behavior.

In the notebook, the grand gestures Noah displays, such as threatening to drop himself off of the top of a Ferris wheel if Alley won’t go on a date with him, are laughably terrifying and honestly unfunny in what they teach people to look for in love. I would be terrified if I witnessed that happening while eating cotton candy on the merry-go-round, am I right? But their love is so sweet at the same time, and it can be difficult to identify what makes something so beautiful feel scary and toxic.

How do they fight?

Let’s focus on Bridgerton Season 1-2, Never Have I Ever, and Vicky Christina Barcelona. The fighting is rough, sexy, glamorous, and harsh. This isn’t what we want in real life, but we watch it every night with our partners over Chinese takeout, expecting our relationship not to mimic it sometimes. Even though it’s easy to get into passionate, firey relationships that cycle between criticism and makeup sex, that is not the way to lasting happy connection & safe love. Even in Never Have I Ever, we see snippiness, criticism, contempt, and so many other red flags! Bickering is one thing, but bickering that includes the vibe of “I’m better than you,” or “your personality sucks” is not a recipe to help your partner feel safe and sound. Try fighting in a discussion-based way. Give appreciation to your partner, compliment their kindness, effort, or vulnerability when things are getting a bit out of hand. John Gottman’s research indicates that “relationship masters” experience a 5:1 ratio of positive: negative interactions during a fight. 20:1 outside of a fight. Now that might feel unattainable to some readers, but with practice, guidance, and attention, it is possible. Consider couples therapy if you want to make things work, but don’t know how to.

Does a “makeover” lead to love?

While there is a whole genre for movies and shows where someone gets a makeover and suddenly lands the love of their life, we’ll focus on Bridgerton Season 3. Now, there are few people who are greater Bridgerton addicts than this author, but you’ve got to hand it to the team…they are pulling this trope hard. Penelope Featherington is pretty badass, and even though that has been right in front of Colin Bridgerton’s eyes since they were kids, it is only once she spices up her wardrobe and starts wearing red lipstick that Colin is enraptured. It takes a bit more than this, and is not quite so extreme as the equivilent in Grease, Pretty Woman, or other stories where the guy only openly dates the girl once she is hot enough or can otherwise fit into his world and social circles without negative judgment on him. While these makeover movies make a film entertaining, and perhaps even instill hope in the watcher, this couples therapist recommends taking time to choose partners you can feel sexy with when you’re just being yourself. Think Nate in Devil Wears Prada.

Lies

From Crazy Rich Asians to Never Have I Ever to Bridgerton Season Everything, lies can make or break a relationship (or at least its quality for a little bit). Crazy Rich Asians depicts two securely attached, lovely people Rachel and Nick. They are kind and silly with each other and love each other deeply. Overall, from the perspective of a therapist, 10/10—almost. Nick ends up being “crazy rich,” which Rachel doesn’t know, even one year in. While this might make sense to some people, it makes less sense that she only discovers the secret when she’s on her way to meet his family in Singapore and ends up sitting first class in a private room. She has not packed or mentally prepared for this situation: not only meeting a rich family, but being announced as the girlfriend of the hottest bachelor in Singapore, being met with cruelty from surrounding family members and family friends, and more. While this movie has a happy ending, because their love appears secure, committed, and difficult to break, this lie does nearly split them up.

Never Have I Ever depicts several secrets, but chief among them as the bulldozer to Devi’s love life is dating her two loves simultaneously without telling the other. What a double life! Hannah Montana much?

Bridgerton I feel needs little explanation. But let’s just say that when Penelope’s season comes around, her secret identity as Lady Whistledown creates quite the scene.

Keeping You A Secret

Let’s look at Sex Lives of College Girls. Firstly Leighton is in the closet, which sucks for her various lovers, and especially her most important girlfriend Alicia. But this is a complicated situation, and when someone’s still in the closet, blaming them for keeping their queer relationship a secret can be problematic. That still doesn’t mean that it feels good for the hidden partner. This makes the relationship challenging and feelings very difficult to manage. Eventually, they do break it off while Leighton is still closeted.

Now Whitney’s first bo, her soccer coach, is obviously keeping her a secret for another reason. He. Is. Married. Now, we don’t like this type of behavior from anyone, but more importantly, we don’t like an authority figure secretly knocking knickers with a girl whose success on the team partly depends on his favor. That, my friend, is pretty messy.

Now Kimberly keeps her relationship with Leighton’s bro a secret from her as well. This, as we know, does not end well.

Overall message here is: you don’t have to announce all your business to the world, but if your partner is keeping you in the shadows, it’s a red flag. It’s circumstantial, and not black-and-white… but none of this is absolute.

Insecure Attachment

Let’s examine Sex and the City. Carrie is head over heels for Big. But jeeze… Big does not treat her how she wants to be treated, am I right? When someone grows up feeling insecurely attached to their primary caregiver, all hell can break loose with their bae in the future. Perhaps you are choosing people who move away when you move toward them (like Carrie). Perhaps you move away from people who move toward you (like Miranda). Perhaps you don’t even know which direction to run in because it all feels so damn unappealing! Well, healing attachment wounds is possible. Just stop seeing the Sex and the City cast as your love idols, and you’ll get a little further in the right direction.

So here you have it! Quite a few examples of the failed (but beautiful) love affairs we see on TV. The ones many of us know and love.

If you’re interested in relationship tricks, tips, and hacks, visit my website for relationship and sex therapy and coaching.

Catherine Thornber is a relationship therapist in Boulder, Colorado who specializes in communication, human sexuality, trauma, anxiety, and attachment. She uses a holistic approach to support her clients on their healing journeys.